Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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