I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
