Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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