Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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