guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
