how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
