nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
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Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
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So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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