Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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