Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
