wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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