Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
