people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
