Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
