His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
