smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
