I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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