): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
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You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
i think my cat just said my name.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize