Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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