He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
