please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
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