I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
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