I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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