Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I could make wine with my vomit
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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