I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
