Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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