Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
