Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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