I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
where does the pee come out of this thing
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
