Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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