I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Randomize
