I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
