i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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