I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Randomize
