Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
