Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
