last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
