I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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