apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
it's like iHOP with fire
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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