it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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