How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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