dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
