My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
