only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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