how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
he was CRYING into my vagina
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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