Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
im six kinds of drunk right now
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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