someone threw a dead crab at me
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
