His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
