ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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