Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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