Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
