I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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