Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
