I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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