and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
