Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I am one with the molecules
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
