I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
