census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
