Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
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