I wish I could punch you in the face.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
