This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
