my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
